Reframing boundaries for those raised to prioritise everyone else at the expense of their own well-being

The first time I said no without apologising, my entire body shook. I had declined a gathering that I knew would drain me emotionally, and instead of offering the usual elaborate justifications about why I could not attend, I simply said: "No, that does not work for me this time."

The silence that followed felt enormous. I waited for the anger, the guilt, the accusations of selfishness that I had been conditioned to expect. What came instead was something unexpected: respect. The person on the other end of the phone simply said, "Okay, we will miss you," and that was that.

This small moment changed everything. It revealed that the catastrophic consequences I had feared for decades were not real. The boundaries I had been avoiding were not walls that would isolate me. They were membranes that would allow genuine connection whilst protecting the authentic self that makes such a connection possible.

If you were raised to believe that your needs do not matter, that setting boundaries is selfish, that love means sacrificing yourself for others, I need you to hear this: saying no to what depletes you is saying yes to what sustains you. Boundaries are not rejection. They are the foundation of an authentic relationship.

The Cost of Living Without Boundaries

Before we explore what healthy boundaries are and how to establish them, we need to understand what living without boundaries costs us. Because most of us have spent so long accommodating, adapting, and sacrificing our well-being that we no longer recognise the price we are paying.

Chronic Exhaustion: When you have no boundaries, you are constantly giving away energy you do not have. You say yes to requests that deplete you. You take on emotional labour that is not yours to carry. You prioritise everyone's comfort except your own. This creates physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion that no amount of rest can fully address because the drain is ongoing.

I lived this way for 45 years. Every morning, I woke up already tired because I had spent the previous day giving away energy I did not have to spare. I thought this was what love looked like. I thought sacrifice was a virtue. What I did not understand was that I was not actually serving others through my boundaryless giving. I was depleting myself whilst creating relationships based on my performance rather than my authentic presence.

Resentment: Without boundaries, you accumulate resentment towards the very people you are trying to serve. You feel angry about being taken advantage of, even though you never communicated your limits. You feel bitter about others' needs, even though you consistently prioritised those needs over your own. This resentment poisons relationships whilst you continue pretending everything is fine.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” (Gabor Maté). The anger you feel towards others is often actually anger at yourself for continuing to violate your own boundaries in service of avoiding conflict or rejection.

Inauthenticity: When you cannot say no, you cannot fully say yes. Your agreements become contaminated by obligation rather than being expressions of genuine choice. People around you never know whether your presence is authentic or performed, whether your generosity comes from fullness or from fear of rejection.

This inauthenticity creates distance even in your closest relationships. People sense when you are performing rather than being genuine, even if they cannot articulate what feels off. The very behaviour you believe is maintaining connection actually prevents authentic intimacy.

Self-Abandonment: Perhaps most devastating, living without boundaries means abandoning yourself. You disconnect from your intuition because you cannot honour what it tells you. You suppress your needs because expressing them feels dangerous. You betray your values because maintaining others' comfort takes precedence over maintaining your integrity.

This self-abandonment creates a profound inner emptiness. You become a stranger to yourself, unable to answer basic questions about what you want, need, or value because you have spent so long prioritising everyone else that you have lost touch with your own centre.

The Cultural Programming Against Boundaries

Understanding why boundaries feel so difficult requires examining the cultural messages that taught us to view boundary setting as selfish, cruel, or morally wrong.

Gendered Conditioning

From childhood, girls are taught to be nice, accommodating, and self-sacrificing. Assertiveness is punished as aggression. Boundary setting is condemned as selfishness.

This gendered conditioning creates generations of women who cannot advocate for their own needs without feeling guilty, who apologise for taking up space, who spend their lives managing everyone's emotional comfort except their own.

Men receive different but equally damaging messages. They learn that needing emotional support is a weakness, that vulnerability is dangerous, and that boundaries must be maintained through aggression rather than clear communication. This creates men who either have rigid defensive walls or no boundaries at all, with little capacity for the nuanced boundary setting that allows authentic intimacy.

Cultural Variations

Different cultures approach boundaries in distinct ways that shape what feels normal or acceptable. Collectivist cultures often emphasise family and community needs over individual boundaries, creating expectations that personal desires should be subordinated to collective harmony (Markus & Kitayama, 1991). Individualistic cultures may promote personal boundaries, but often do so through isolation rather than interconnection.

Growing up between Palestinian and Czech cultures, I navigated contradictory boundary expectations constantly. Palestinian culture valued family cohesion, often expecting individual needs to be suppressed for family harmony. Extended family involvement in personal decisions was expected. Refusing family requests felt like betrayal.

Czech culture, particularly after generations of communist rule, where private life required protection from state intrusion, developed patterns of more rigid boundaries between personal and public spheres. But these boundaries often came with emotional distance rather than authentic intimacy.

Neither framework taught me that boundaries could be both caring for myself and caring for others, that I could honour my needs whilst maintaining genuine connection, that saying no to what depletes me creates capacity to say yes to what matters.

Religious and Spiritual Messages

Many wrong religious and spiritual interpretations promote self-sacrifice, service, and putting others first in ways that can undermine healthy boundary development. Teachings about loving your neighbour, turning the other cheek, or going the extra mile get interpreted as mandates to accept mistreatment or neglect your own wellbeing.

Spiritual bypassing takes this further by suggesting that boundaries are evidence of ego attachment, that truly enlightened people have no needs, and that setting limits reveals spiritual immaturity (John Welwood). This creates impossible standards where any self-care becomes suspect.

What these interpretations miss is that genuine service requires preservation of the self who serves. Sustainable giving flows from fullness, not from depletion. Martyrdom may look noble, but it ultimately serves no one because burned-out people cannot maintain presence, generosity, or authentic love. In fact it is about unhealthy traditions coming from the ego and its desire for control. It is not about the gold that is hidden in religions.

Historical Context: Boundary Violations and Oppression

Throughout history, systemic oppression has functioned by violating the boundaries of targeted groups while teaching them that resisting these violations is wrong, dangerous, or futile.

Slavery in the Americas depended on complete boundary violation of enslaved people's bodies, labour, families, and autonomy. Enslaved people who attempted to establish any boundaries were punished brutally. The system required teaching both enslaved people and enslavers that Black people had no right to bodily autonomy, personal space, or self-determination (Davis, 1983).

Colonialism operated similarly, violating the territorial, cultural, and social boundaries of indigenous peoples whilst teaching them that their traditional boundary systems were primitive or invalid. Colonial powers established the right to invade, occupy, and reorganise indigenous societies without consent (Patrick Wolfe).

The Palestinian experience offers a contemporary example. Generations of displacement, occupation, and systematic boundary violation at every level, from bodies to homes to entire territories, have created profound trauma. When your people's boundaries are violated constantly and systematically, learning to establish personal boundaries becomes both more difficult and more essential.

These historical examples reveal that boundary violation is not incidental to oppression but central to how oppressive systems function. Reclaiming the right to establish boundaries becomes a revolutionary act of resistance against systems that depend on your boundarylessness.

What Boundaries Actually Are

Boundaries are not walls that isolate you from connection. They are membranes that allow genuine intimacy whilst protecting the authentic self that makes such intimacy possible.

Healthy boundaries define where you end and others begin. They clarify what you are responsible for and what you are not. They communicate what treatment you will accept and what you will not tolerate. They create conditions for a sustainable relationship rather than eventual collapse from depletion or resentment.

Physical Boundaries define your bodily autonomy and personal space. They determine who can touch you, how, and when. They establish your right to privacy, rest, and physical safety. Physical boundaries communicate that your body belongs to you and that you have the right to determine what happens to it.

Emotional Boundaries protect your emotional well-being and energy. They prevent you from taking responsibility for others' feelings whilst maintaining responsibility for your own. They allow you to care about others without becoming overwhelmed by their emotional states. Emotional boundaries create space for empathy without fusion.

Mental Boundaries honour your right to your own thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives. They allow you to disagree without needing to convince others or be convinced by them. Mental boundaries protect your cognitive and spiritual autonomy whilst remaining open to learning and growth.

Time and Energy Boundaries recognise that your time and energy are finite, valuable resources that deserve conscious allocation. They allow you to prioritise what matters most to you rather than being controlled by others' urgency or demands. These boundaries create space for what sustains you rather than only what drains you.

Material Boundaries establish your right to control your possessions, money, and resources. They prevent others from assuming access to what is yours without permission. Material boundaries communicate that generosity is a choice rather than an obligation.

The Difference Between Boundaries and Walls

Many people confuse boundaries with walls because they have only experienced two extremes: complete boundarylessness or rigid isolation. Understanding the difference is essential for developing healthy boundary practice.

Walls shut people out completely. They prevent both harmful and beneficial connections. They create isolation and disconnection. Walls say: "I cannot trust anyone, so I will protect myself through complete separation."

People who build walls often do so as a trauma response after experiencing profound boundary violations. The walls served as protection during dangerous times, but became limitations when circumstances changed. Walls prevent the very intimacy the person actually longs for.

Boundaries allow selective connection. They permit closeness with people who can honour your limits whilst preventing harm from those who cannot or will not. Boundaries say: "I am open to connection with people who can respect my needs whilst I respect theirs."

Boundaries are flexible rather than rigid. They adjust based on context, relationship, and circumstance. The boundary you maintain with a stranger differs from the boundary you maintain with a trusted friend. The flexibility comes from consciousness about what each situation requires rather than rigid rules applied uniformly.

How to Establish Healthy Boundaries

If you have spent your life without boundaries, learning to establish them requires deliberate practice and often feels uncomfortable at first. Here are practical approaches for developing healthy boundary practice.

Identify Your Current Boundaries

Begin by becoming conscious of what boundaries you currently maintain and what boundaries you need to develop. Notice:

Where do you feel resentment in your relationships? This often signals unaddressed boundary violations.

When do you feel depleted rather than energised by connection? This suggests you are giving more than is sustainable.

What requests do you agree to whilst feeling internal resistance? This reveals places where you are overriding your authentic no.

Which relationships feel one-sided in terms of care and investment? This indicates a lack of reciprocal boundaries.

For me, identifying boundary needs began with noticing the chronic exhaustion that followed some gatherings. I was always the one managing everyone's emotional comfort, mediating conflicts, and ensuring everyone felt included. No one asked me to do this work, but I had learned that love meant taking responsibility for everyone's experience. Recognising this pattern helped me see where boundaries were needed.

Start Small and Practice Consistently

Do not begin boundary practice by establishing the most difficult boundary you need. Start with situations where the stakes are lower and practice saying no, expressing needs, and maintaining limits.

Practice declining requests that are clearly outside your capacity or interest. "No, I cannot take on that project right now." "No, that evening does not work for me." "No, I am not available to help with that task."

Notice what happens in your body when you say no without justifying or apologising. You might feel anxiety, guilt, or fear. These feelings are normal when you are changing lifelong patterns. Allow the feelings without letting them control your behaviour.

As you build capacity through small boundary practice, you develop confidence to establish larger boundaries in more significant relationships.

Use Clear, Direct Communication

Boundaries work best when they are communicated clearly and directly rather than hinted at or expected to be intuited. Vague expressions of discomfort do not establish boundaries. Clear statements do.

Instead of "I am kind of busy lately," say "I am not available for phone calls after 8 pm."

Instead of "That might be difficult," say "No, I cannot commit to that timeline."

Instead of "I wish people would not assume I will always help," say "I need you to ask before assuming I can assist with your projects."

This directness might feel harsh if you are accustomed to softening every communication to protect others' feelings. But clarity is actually more respectful than vagueness because it allows others to understand your actual boundaries rather than guessing.

Expect and Navigate Resistance

When you begin establishing boundaries, especially with people who have become accustomed to your boundarylessness, you will encounter resistance. Understanding this helps you remain steady rather than abandoning your boundaries at the first challenge.

Family members may accuse you of being selfish, changing, or no longer caring about them. Friends may express hurt that you are not as available as you used to be. Colleagues may resist your work hour boundaries or project limitations.

This resistance does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means you are changing dynamics that others found comfortable or beneficial. People who truly care about you will adjust to your boundaries once they understand you are serious about maintaining them. People who cannot accept your boundaries reveal that the relationship was based on your performance rather than genuine appreciation for your authentic self.

Research on relationship dynamics shows that relationships actually strengthen when both people maintain healthy boundaries, creating conditions for sustainable connection rather than eventual resentment or depletion (Nedra Glover Tawwab).

Practise Self-Compassion Through the Process

Boundary development is not easy, especially if you are working against decades of conditioning that taught you to prioritise everyone else. Be gentle with yourself through this process.

You will sometimes revert to old patterns of saying yes when you mean no. You will occasionally feel guilty for setting boundaries you know are necessary. You will experience anxiety about the potential consequences of maintaining your limits.

These moments are normal and part of the learning process. Rather than judging yourself for them, notice them with compassion. Acknowledge that you are developing new skills whilst working against powerful conditioning. Celebrate the times when you do maintain boundaries rather than criticising yourself for the times when you struggle.

Use Therapeutic Approaches for Support

Specific therapeutic modalities can support boundary development by addressing the multiple layers involved in this transformation.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can help release the emotional charge attached to boundary setting. Tapping whilst acknowledging feelings like "Even though I feel guilty setting this boundary, I deeply and completely accept myself" can shift the nervous system response that makes boundaries feel dangerous.

Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) offers frameworks for identifying the underlying beliefs that create boundary difficulties. By working with the mental structures that make you believe you are responsible for everyone's comfort or that your needs do not matter, NLP helps transform the foundations that have prevented healthy boundaries.

Quantum Mind Transformation (KTM) addresses boundaries at the consciousness level, helping you recognise that you can maintain your own centre whilst remaining in a loving relationship with others. This spiritual dimension of boundary work reveals that separation and connection are not opposites but complementary aspects of conscious relationship.

Boundaries as Love

The most important reframe for those raised to believe boundaries are selfish is understanding that boundaries are actually expressions of love, both for yourself and for others.

Boundaries as Self-Love: Setting boundaries communicates that you value yourself enough to protect your well-being. They demonstrate that you consider your needs, feelings, and energy worthy of care and respect. This self-love is not narcissism. It is recognition of your inherent worth and responsibility for your own welfare.

When you love yourself enough to maintain boundaries, you model for everyone around you that they, too, are worthy of self-care, that needs matter, and that wellbeing is not selfish but necessary.

Boundaries as Other-Love: Healthy boundaries actually serve others by preventing the resentment that destroys relationships. When you maintain sustainable limits, you can show up with genuine presence rather than forced performance. Your giving comes from fullness rather than depletion, making it more valuable and authentic.

Boundaries also serve others by preventing the enabling of their unconscious patterns. When you stop managing everyone's emotional comfort, they develop the capacity to regulate their own emotions. When you stop sacrificing yourself, they learn that relationships require reciprocal care rather than one-sided service.

Boundaries as Relationship-Love: Clear boundaries strengthen rather than weaken relationships. They create conditions for authentic connection by ensuring both people's needs are considered. They prevent the slow accumulation of resentment that eventually poisons even the most loving relationships.

The relationships that cannot survive your boundaries were never based on genuine appreciation for your authentic self. They were based on your performance, your sacrifice, and your willingness to accommodate at your own expense. These relationships may end, and that ending creates space for connections that can honour your full humanity.

The Sacred No

There is something sacred about the word no when it comes from authentic alignment rather than defensive fear or punitive anger. This sacred no protects what matters most, creates space for what serves your soul, and honours the finite nature of your time and energy on this earth.

Every time you say no to what depletes you, you say yes to what sustains you. Every boundary you maintain creates capacity for presence with what truly matters. Every limit you establish protects the authentic self that is your greatest gift to offer.

The sacred no is not rejection. It is recognition that your life, your energy, and your well-being are precious resources deserving conscious stewardship. It is an acknowledgment that you cannot serve everyone and everything, that choices are required, that protecting your capacity to serve from your gifts requires declining demands on your wounds.

This sacred no becomes prayer, meditation, revolutionary act. It says: "I matter. My needs are real. My limits are valid. I will honour myself whilst honouring others. I will give from fullness rather than depletion. I will maintain the boundaries that allow me to remain present, authentic, and genuinely generous."

The Invitation: Claim Your Right to Boundaries

If you have spent your life prioritising everyone else at the expense of your own wellbeing, I invite you to begin the practice of sacred boundary setting. Start small. Start now. Start with a single no that honours your truth.

Notice what happens in your body, your relationships, and your sense of self as you begin establishing limits. Notice the fear that arises, and continue anyway. Notice the guilt you have been conditioned to feel and choose your well-being regardless. Notice the freedom that emerges as you stop betraying yourself in the service of others' comfort.

Your boundaries are not selfish. They are sacred. They protect the authentic self that is your gift to this world. They create conditions for genuine love rather than performed service. They demonstrate that you understand Ubuntu consciousness: I am because we are, and we are only whole when each of us honours our own centre whilst remaining in conscious relationship with others.

Are you ready to say your first sacred no?

References

Davis, A. Y. (1983). Women, race, & class. Vintage Books.

Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224-253.

Masters, R. A. (2010). Spiritual bypassing: When spirituality disconnects us from what really matters. North Atlantic Books.

Maté, G. (2003). When the body says no: The cost of hidden stress. Wiley.

Smith, L. T. (1999). Decolonizing methodologies: Research and indigenous peoples. Zed Books.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Welwood, J. (2000). Toward a psychology of awakening: Buddhism, psychotherapy, and the path of personal and spiritual transformation. Shambhala.

Wolfe, P. (2006). Settler colonialism and the elimination of the native. Journal of Genocide Research, 8(4), 387-409.

About the Author

Hanan Hammadova is a Palestinian-Czech transformation coach specialising in self-esteem development, boundary work, and authentic relationship building. Her work integrates Quantum Mind Transformation (KTM), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), and Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) with cultural wisdom and justice-oriented practice. Through deeply personal sharing and practical guidance, she supports individuals raised to prioritise everyone else in reclaiming their right to protect their wellbeing whilst maintaining genuine connection. Based in Prague, she works with clients throughout Europe who are ready to establish the sacred boundaries that allow authentic presence.

For more information about Hanan's work, visit www.hananhammadova.com

This blog is part of a 26-part series exploring themes of emotional healing, cultural identity, trauma recovery, and peace activism. Each piece offers both theoretical understanding and practical application for those committed to personal transformation in the service of collective awakening.